Here is the sad tale of a disastrous trail set by Princess Di (arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp.
Once upon a time, there once was a couple of hashers known as the Princess and the Squirrel. They were in the mood for Mexican, so they summoned the pack to Little Tampico Tequila Bar in Soquel Village. They promised the pack beer, tequila and warned of a new trail marking called “shut the fuck up”, where we would have to be very quiet while passing through a certain area. Then they scurried off with small bottles of flour and chalk. Aside from the regular drinkers, Lube me up Scotty showed up (since his wife is still in China). We had visitors all the way from Portland Maine, Sir Ménage A Lot, Cuma Cuma Cumanda, and former Surf City kennelmate Camel Stamp. They brought Virgin Sarah with them from Mountain View. Maine is a beautiful state, but with only 2 months of warm weather per year, I can imagine hashing there isn’t for the faint of heart. Surf City pussies would not survive hashing through snow and ice. It would be pretty cool to see a moose on trail! Not so cool to step in moose poop. Speaking of the great white north, Canadian Penny Slut finally resurfaced! The last time she was seen was 6 months ago, after her first haring venture with yours truly. I heard rumors that either I scared her away from the hash, or she was abducted by aliens somewhere near area 51 in Nevada. She returned unscathed, but doesn’t remember a thing from the past 6 months.
Temporary GM, dBASED did introductions and awarded the Hash Shit Vest to Camel Stamp. Some hashers feared the worst, skipped trail and went directly to the beer check. We ran through the woods, through neighborhoods, car dealership parking lots, along 41st ave, to Wharf Road, and past the creepy Rispin Mansion. A bottle of tequila was hidden on a trail near there. After a few shots, we proceeded through Perry park, through a senior apartment complex (with flour markings so small you needed a magnifying glass to see them), then on Bay Ave and left on Capitola Ave.
The rest of the trail was a nightmare. There was a confusing back check, a circle jerk and some nosy neighbors. One guy kept coming out of his house trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Can’t blame him for being suspicious. We must’ve passed his house at least 10 times and we didn’t look like regular runners. dBASED was wearing a straw sombrero hat, Puff the Magic Drag Queen was sporting his usual stylish OP corduroy shorts and knee high socks. Occasional Rapist had a pink cowboy getup on. It was getting dark, we were lost and kept going around in circles. Some hashers gave up and headed back to the bar to look for beer check. Puff turned out to be the hero of the night! He was the ONLY one who found the VERY SMALL chalk mark “STFU” with a hare arrow pointing towards someone’s driveway. It went through a fence down a steep trail that lead to Main Street in front of Little Tampico.
Beer Check was in the little park next to the bar. According to the hares, the trail was 3.5 miles. dBASED and Camel Stamp measured the trail to be somewhere around 5.7 miles. Broke Bench Mountain showed up at the end. He was driving down the road and saw Camel Stamp with the Hash Shit Vest on, picked up Hugh Heifer and drove to beer check.
Religion was held in the parking lot of an office complex across Porter St. dBASED was the RA and Beer Fairy. Puff the Magic Drag Queen received a congratulatory down down for being the hero and leading the cold and thirsty pack to beer check. Twat did you Say? was ridiculed for having a “food injury”. Something about an Irritable Bowel Syndrome flare up after eating in a restaurant and drinking 4 glasses of wine. Hugh Heifer drank for her cute little mini sombrero hat and for breaking a bottle of beer in the parking lot (it was just Corona, though). Backsliders, Camel Stamp and Canadian Penny Slut received down downs. Visitors, Sir Ménage A Lot, Cuma Cuma Cumanda, and Camel Stamp were welcomed with a down down. The pack had high hopes, butVirgin Sarah only told a dumb joke. Sir Ménage A Lot drank with her. The folks from Maine then serenaded her with a traditional song about deflowering a virgin. Deep Stroke drank for trying to stage a coup. This seems to be a trend with her. Broke Bench Mountain was punished for auto-hashing And Last but not least, The Hares!
This Thursday’s hash will start at Aloha Island Grille, 1700 Portola Drive, at the intersection of Portola, 17th Avenue and East Cliff. See Y’All there!