Greetings! Princess Diarrhea here proclaiming tales from the trail throughout the land! Somewhat unbefitting a princess, the hashers met up in the alley this week—Moe’s Alley to be exact. The hash hasn’t been to Moe’s for quite awhile, and we still can’t figure out why they seemed happy to have us back. Apparently we left a good impression so we must be doing something horribly wrong.  Thmp-Thmp and Hairy Potter were our wily hares. It was a sign of things to come when Hairy told us his wise wife Choka Cola stayed home because she’d caught a peek of the trail map and declared, “fuck THAT!”

It all started with a true trail arrow and mercifully there were more of those to come. The pack went on left out of Moe’s, quickly sniffed out trail and headed down Soquel Drive toward just past 7^TH Avenue. Back check! The pack soon rallied and thrusted through Harbor High’s rear entrance. Up ahead on La Fonda, a YBF to the right and a false trail to the left soon got the pack regrouped and headed the right way down Prospect Heights. Most of the loyal hounds stuck to the trail and braved the steep downhill shiggy that Cuff My Muff rode on her bum all the way down to the bum wine check. Sly dogs like Broke Bench Mountain took the nicely paved one-way Brookwood instead (which is also one of the town’s best-kept secrets for ditching freeway traffic).

The poison selection at the booze check was Mad Dog 20/20 Banana Red or Orange Jubilee. Sounds delicious, no? AccuPrick did not partake because he’s too good for bum wine.  He’s also too good for fine wine. Yes, he is THAT good. Cuff turned down the Orange Jubilee because of the hurl factor that comes from beverages that closely resemble Triaminic cough syrup. All it takes is a little Mad Dog to separate the purebreds from the mutts. The trail wound along to more fruitiness as Hugh Heifer started picking sour cherries that she discovered growing in the wild. All we needed was a platter of Velveeta and it would’ve been like hors d’oeuvre hour on skid row.

Soon we were traipsing through Oakwood Cemetery, which is all too conveniently located across the street from a hospital and a nice old folks home. dBased was shut down by a YBF after emerging from the graveyard and broke strict tradition of “a hasher never turns around”—a heinous crime surely punishable by a warm beer shower. Trail then headed through Dominican Oaks where tiny dogs yipped and seniors gawked as the hashers pounded onward and upward through the hillside shiggy. Once across a field, the only thing separating thirsty hashers from cold beer was a burly cyclone fence. Luckily there was indeed a gate that opened to glory. Beer check was in Virgin Lori’s front yard where we were joined by her family and two snuffling pugs. The beer was going down great until a certain member of the kennel befouled the yard, causing everyone to gag on their cold ones and clear out.

The great tragedy of religion behind Bobby’s Pit Stop was that somehow the bum wine had been left behind at the check so nobody could be punished to finish it. Pixelated Obscenity was penalized for backsliding. Dog Breath was awarded for his 169^th analversary! Pixie’s friend Beautiful Rainbow couldn’t fathom why Dog Breath wasn’t drinking from a readily available cup and was instead guzzling from a dog bowl. Hey, at least he wasn’t drinking from a toilet bowl (this time). RA AccuPrick and the hash agreed that “Beautiful Rainbow” was an entirely unacceptable name and she was re-christened Two Dingos Fucking. Nipple Butt wagged his nub with approval. Waxi Pad, Two Dingos Fucking and Pixie then down downed for shortcutting by bee lining it back to Moe’s and getting drunker than the rest of us. Virgin Lori was welcomed to the pack. Instead of showing her lady bits as totally expected (oh yes, I know her well), she told a joke but her so-called friend Slow Nad spoiled the punch line. She still refused give up a peek of the goodies. Dog Breath took a picture of Beer Fairy Cuff marking her territory so they were both disciplined with a tag-team dog bowl down down.

Next week’s meet up is at Callahan’s. Twat Did You Say?’s hare cherry will be popped. She’s hella nervous about it, so please be gentle with her. Deep Stroke will be co-haring to help ensure her first time will be special.  Aww…

On out!

Our Hares, Occasional Rapist and Cuff my Muff, chose the Mediterranean in Aptos as the start for this week’s hash.  Hairy Fuck 2.5 returned, after being on the DL with a broken foot.  Just Rosie showed up for her 5^th hash.  We had 2 visitors join us all the way from the swamps of Savannah, Georgia H3!   Squat and Swallow, and Sleeping with the Enema.  Theirs is another hash love story.  They met online, hashed together in Savannah, and just got engaged in NYC.  Squat and Swallow was sporting his Hare T-shirt from Savannah’s Americas Interhash 2011.  dBASED, Occasional Rapist and I were lucky enough to have been there.  After a few beers, we realized that the lovely lady in a white southern bell dress and parasol that escorted me to my car one night was Squat and Swallow!  LOL.

There was some confusion at the start.  The pack got split up and went in 2 different directions.  And then there was dBASED.  Who the hell knows where he went.  There was flour at the corner of State Park Drive, so Just Rosie, Dog Breath, Hugh Heifer and Nipple Butt, Puff the Magic Drag Queen, Deep Stroke and yours truly, went in that direction.  The trail went past the Snow White Drive In and turned left on Hillcrest Drive following the railroad tracks and meandered around Seacliff neighborhoods and ended up with beer check on a dead end street overlooking the ocean and the cement ship.    Along with beer, there was also wine, crackers and dip.  dBASED never showed up at beer check.  It was a short trail.  I barely broke a sweat.  Just Rosie ran back to Religion on the beach because she wasn’t tired.  I have to agree with her.  We ARE a bunch of pussies in Surf City. 

Religion was on the street in back of the Mediterranean.  Occasional Rapist served up a kick ass homemade red velvet cake with strawberries.  Yum!  Hairy Fuck 2.5 was RA, Dog Breath was his lovely Beer Fairy.  Apparently I, Shallow Hole, completed 69.69% of the hashes this year, and received a patch for completing my 50^th Surf City Hash.   Down downs were dished out for back sliders, Dude where’s my Trail? and Just Rosie.   Visitors, Squat and Swallow and Sleeping with the Enema were called up to the altar.  They thought the trail was boring.  They’re used to monster shiggy in Savannah, like wading thigh high through swamps with alligators, swimming across intercostal waterways, running through picker bushes, and naked full moon hashes.  Sleeping with the Enema delighted the pack by flashing her boobs.  dBASED was chastised for getting lost on trail.  He claimed to be trying to catch the hares.  He guessed wrong!  Hugh Heifer was punished for an ancient crime on trail.  A long time ago, she brought NA beer for Religion.  The pack sang a lovely rendition of Happy Birthday to Occasional Rapist.  Just Rosie was up for naming.  A lot of dirt was dished out, and she was more than happy to keep incriminating herself.  After a bit of deliberation, Just Rosie will be forever known as Cum Rash! 

And last but not least, the hares……………

On On,

Shallow Hole

What to say about this hash. For last minute planning Coka Cola and Hairy Potter steered us on an interesting trail. Start was at a great watering hole in Seabright, you know the one. We then we’re twarted down Seabright to Cayuga. The one highlight on Cayuga was when we ran past the cool corner where “Mom’s Corner” is at lower Cayuga near the 5 corner’s, a nice bench and water fountain to hang out at, even for the pooches. as we neared the Ocean View park the pack assumed we’d be greeted with a BC, but instead a bum wine check on a side trail. Wine was sweet and tasty for being cheap ass. Now this duo has some nice friends, especially for letting them bring us in for a beer check in their backyards. Always great houses too. This one even had a swanky guest cottage (where I’m certain a few of us left something in the toilet). Condoms could have come in handy for a few as there also was a cozy bed in there! No hens yet but a cute hen house there also.

Choka out did herself by making us guacamole! I think we devoured it in like 5 minutes or less! She forgot to take out the pitt though:0. Just Kidding, PLENTY of beer at the beer check, kudo’s to the hares on that one! Then a fast walk back to Casa de Puff for Religion. Where Puff offered to be RA, he elected dBASED for his beer mistress fairy. First down down was for all the hasher’s whom we’re not wearing any hash attire, of some sort. Wicked, Deep Stroke, choka, Little bony and Twat did you say, Cuff my muff (although she sat that one out). Thmp Thmp is good at bringing in the virgins, Sharon and Leroy, this couple travel around the states playing disc golf. So not likely we’ll be seeing them on regular bases, but they seemed to enjoy their time with us and promised to look up kennels in their future travels.  Leroy told some stupid Disneyland joke, and Sharon a Bill Gates “window” joke-lame, they’d be going home back to Ohio. Pussy Galore showed up with the keg she picked up for her camp out, auto hasher! Sunday semen got down down for major backsliding. Choka Cola got her 125th anal versary hash patch! We all sang Sit Tanya song to Little boney for losing yet another potential girlfriend to “moving”, um ya sure that’s always what they “tell him”. Ralphi you crammed in called dBASED on trail to tell him where to short cut trail? How did he even have his number? And why did he think dBASED needed to know how to shortcut trail he does this all the time anyhow. Maybe they got something going on we should know about? So his father -in -law TIMMY! got his down down. Lastly, Deep Stroke myself and Twat got down downs cause we work out with CC workout aka Deep stroke! Ok and Hash full moon campout was great fun!

On, On ON,

Occasional Rapist on out

Hash Trash #633

I like how Puff described his flash for this hash run, dBASED did turn Scotts Valley into Death Valley! The trail may not have been very long in distance–http://www.mapmyrun.com/routes/view/95983199

, but the terrain was hell. There was a nice /number of us this night, we started drinking at the best bar likely in SV, the Next Door. We even had a virgin Hare named  Zach show up, Thmp- Thmp made him cum. Trail started out front of the bar and we crossed over Scotts Valley Drive and up Glenwood to the SV High School. This is where the hell all began. Trail was scetchy at best. Luckily the temperature in this death valley was a cool upper 60’s. Lucky for us.

You can’t say dBASED did not warn us in his announcement. He did say bring a machete and climbing rope, these would have been nice to have. Weeds we’re higher than our knees.

I wore shorts which ended up working for me. Just Linda joined us, this is her 3rd hash run with us. Mother’s little felcher (MLF) and Sausage Slam made it out this night, and their baby hasher Brooke, her second hash count. They had the stroller but that did not deter MLF he pushed that stroller up both hills! A true hasher! I’ll let you view the map to see all the terrain, but basically up and down up and down and all around.

Just Linda was able to find one of dBASED caches in the Gleenwood housing projects.

Dog Breath snagged the hare at end of trail, dBASEDs’ half minded effort to plan a trail back along the same road, again? He was snagged before for this same tactic.

Hasher’s we’re rewarded some champagne at beer check with an engagement announcement of myself and dBASED, only to find out there wasn’t enough for all to toast or even enough beer. dBASED! Luckily for him hasher’s didn’t attack as religion (and more –beer –cooler) wasn’t far off down the parking lot.

Down down’s for -back slider’s MLF and Sausage slam

, -Just Linda for refusing to pay or take off her hat during her down down,-TIMMY! for his 325th HASH!!,-Virgin Zach-he took the “one ball will do” to seriously and showed us all his left ball!, glad he listen’s to us harriettes!, – Dog Breath cause he’s dog breath, and for hare snag,-DFL down down for TWAT did you say?

and the hare!

Princess Diarrhea here, reprezentin’ while the regular ladies who trash are MIA. Occasional Rapist and dBASED are wandering the busy asphalt trails of Noo Yawk. Shallow Hole and Waxi Pad are getting all “abbondanza!” in the Italian countryside. You know… slugging fine wine and mangia-ing fine Italian cuisine… which may only vaguely resemble what they’re slinging at Bocci’s Cellar. It’s under new ownership, so it’s anybody’s guess.

About a dozen of us half-burnt half-minds were soon lamenting the loss of the old bocci ball courts. Fret not–word on the street is that the paved-over gravel courts will be reborn as astroturf courts. None of us would have been playing bocci anyways because the soberness and general malaise of the group was undeniable. The barmaid was even turned away on at least two occasions due to no takers(!). Timmy! is cutting down his booze calories, Puff and Deep Stroke shared one Shock Top and backwash, and Hugh Heifer was swearing off the firewater after finally getting over that birthday week hangover. AccuPrick did his best to drive us to drink by telling perhaps the only Star Trek joke to ever incite a fatwa. He then spread some news that’s worthy of raising a glass to: $6 movies at Regal Cinema 9 on Tuesdays, y’all!!!

OK short and sweet–the trail loop in a nutshell: on left, around the tannery, up Golf Club Drive, on right at the railroad tracks, through the toilets of Heroin Hill, up the to Pogonip clubhouse, across meadows, and down through the woods to the bus yard beer check. Sounds like a quick trail. But oh it wasn’t. Not sure if it was the runners high, but at least we enjoyed the nature, sunset, Jesus rays on the meadows, birds chirping, flowers, and all that crap. Maybe the real joy was from us imagining hare Timmy! was being eaten by coyotes ahead because Timmy! is on a diet and was making us all suffer for it. Yeah, it was pretty. But the trail also had mosquito’s and the worst shiggy ever: critter and human poop stations throughout. We were calling the place Poopoonip because Timmy! must’ve been dropping scat along with the flour. I’d always been told the origins of the name Pogonip came from: polo, golf and nip (o’ booze). However, I’ve also read it’s from the Ohlone word meaning “icy fog”. It’s your call. Puff found a Lost Boy on the porch of the clubhouse who didn’t even realize he was on the real set of the movie. Aside from the clubhouse porch, surprisingly no hardcore junkies or vampires were on trail–only their excrement.

As FRB Deep Stroke, Thmp, Hugh, and I arrived at the bus yard beer check to claim that cold wet beer we’d long suffered for, we found at least half the pack had shortcut. See? Malaise.

Hugh was super excited to have found her first geocache ever on trail. dBASED will no doubt be jealous when he reads this! Thmp-Thmp helped himself to a party popper out of the geocache box. At beer check he banged Deep Stroke’s ear with it and My Little Bony was happy to catch the ribbon spew. The popper didn’t even scare off a nearby bobcat that was squatting to leave a crap (c’mon, everybody’s doing it!).

We all watched a couple of movies on Twat Did You Say?’s phone:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9mG6R0UE-Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnDIrf4-fGU

Watching movies at beer check? What a pack of lazy bastards! Ralph Crammed-In was even considering helping himself to the bus yard so he could drive us the three whole blocks to religion.

Some life was pumped into religion by a Ventures-style surf guitar band jamming at the rehearsal space next door. A dirty joke from Accu also got things rolling. Let’s hope that his good, funny c*nt joke will be redeeming enough to call off that fatwa. Did Hairy Potter and Accu then lead us in the Yogi Bear Song? Does a bear shit on trail? Thmp and I tag-teamed a tired Mike Tyson joke that bombed so bad we drank half our beer in shame before the down down. Deep Stroke the beer fairy was pouring ‘em deep, cheap, warm, and heady. Half the pack drank for shortcutting, so the punishment fit the crime.

My 25^th hash was regally commemorated until my heartfelt acceptance speech was crushed by Hairy Potter rightfully telling me to can it. Another touching moment was hearing that the exact spot where Choka Cola had spewed on a prior hash was passed in reverence this very night.

On on on was back at Bocci’s where Johnny Campbell & The Bluegrass Drifters (coincidentally featuring a former hasher on standup bass) were up to some banjoin’ and some fiddlin’. We might’ve stayed longer for some boot-scootin’, but when the conversation turns to catching your parents having sex, it’s just time to go.