Monthly Archives: September 2014

Countdown to Hash 7…6…5

Salavations,

Consider this your final warning pertaining to Countdown Trail 7…6…5, October 2nd.

I am aware that most of you received lumps of coal for Christmas when you were children. For this trail though, Dung-Fu Grip and Puff the Magic Drag Queen will take that lump of coal you so richly deserved and press it into a diamond for you.

Beginning from Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery, your hare-pair will gift you a self-guided tour of a collection of the “less-visited/seldom-seen”, shall we term them, areas of Westside Santa Cruz. A few are difficult to find, a few no one WISHES to visit and a small number could best be described by the adjective “dangerous”. With the approach of winter, dark and (hopefully) rain, we believe it incumbent upon us to separate the wheat from the chaff, the real hashers from the fair-weather variety.

Puff has noted a serious lack of flashlights on trail this month. This trail contains a section practically non-negotiable without the assistance of a torch. This trail will feature areas fun yet challenging for dogs but damn well impossible for strollers. Length, assuming you are stupid enough to finish it and smart enough not to become lost, will tip the scales around the 3 mile mark, with the obvious exception of dBASED who will turn this pleasant jaunt into a half-marathon. There will be the standard Beer Check and Face Feed, undeserving of either though you are and will be located wherever the hell we think we can get away with it. We desire no Bacon Queef-inspired encounters with coppers. Religion will be along the tracks near Mountain Brewery. Due to trail’s inherent technical difficulty, anticipate a hares-out time close to the 6:35 markings on the clock face. As an aside, this Thursday at Mountain Brewery is a benefit for Santa Cruz Public Libraries so you may wish to have two pints prior to on-out.

Best Wishes for a speedy recovery,

Dung-Fu Grip

Puff the Magic Drag Queen

Hash Trash # 762 on 9/11/14

Old Dog New Chicks (and some dicks)

762 dicknoseYou know the saying, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?  Dog Breath was such a shitty hare, that he’s been on “hare probation” for years.  It was way before my time, so I don’t know what evil crimes he inflicted on Surf City.  I’d love to know the juicy details though.  Maybe some of the hash elders can fill us in some time.  So I wondered, can two virgin762 hares hares, right some wrongs, and set him free from probation?  Maybe Ho to Housewife and Just Robin could knock some sense in his half mind.  The pack was probably leery to show up at the Mediterranean this week.  We had Virgin Jae, who just moved here from Korea a week ago.  The other virgin was virgin Jennifer, sister of Just Foot Pussy.  Piss Pile was visiting from Hawaii.

Trail was about 4 miles and started with railroad tracks, a Nisene Marks tease and a back check down to Aptos Village Park.  I pity the poor FRB’s who had to run back up that hill.  True trail lead down Spreckles Drive towards Rio del Mar.  Instead of going to the beach, trail lead us left up a big ass hill!  762 sofaLuckily there was a sofa left out for the trash, so hashers could take a rest stop.  Trail looped around and went back down Rio del Mar Blvd to a liquor check on the beach.  The hares decided to punish the pack with a shoots and ladders workout!  They lead us up the 150+ stairs, back down to Seacliff Beach and up the other flight of stairs by the RV campground.  Were your glutes burning?  Mine sure were!  If that wasn’t enough, they took us on a circle jerk around the neighborhood to beer check at Just Robin’s house.  It was a really cool house.  Her landlord has probably banned us from ever returning!

Religion was in the usual spot behind the Med.  Accuprick stayed at the bar and was good and loaded by the time the pack arrived.  Hugh Heifer claimed to have a knee injury so she met us a religion.  Accuprick was RA and named Virgin Jennifer his Beer Fairy.  The first down down went to the brother and sister team of Just Foot Pussy and Virgin Jennifer.  762 virginsNext, were the virgins.  Fucked Over Fest made Virgin Jae cum.  He showed his butt!  Virgin Jennifer told a lame joke.  Heard it!  Piss Pile was called up for being a visitor from Hawaii.  He doesn’t drink, so Dog Breath was his stunt drinker.  Accuprick accused himself of being a backslider.  Accuprick, Fap Jack and Pink Cherry Licker drank for missing the beer and liquor checks.  dBASED drank for being too stupid to find the liquor check.  Hugh Heifer drank for showing up at the end.  Lovebirds Fap Jack and Pink Cherry Licker were called up.  They chose to snuggle and watch the sunset instead of doing trail.  Good choice if you ask me!  I was called up for stretching my sore glutes at beer check.  We had a naming!  Just Paul was named 762 namingGroucho Cocks!  He’s a grouchy SOB and brought his bag of dick noses to the hash to take a group photo with them.  The pack tried to name Just Robin, but were unsuccessful.  Instead we sang her Happy Birthday!  So let’s get to know her better and get some good dirt on her!  And last but not 762 hares 2least, and the hares………..

 

 

 

 

Next stop, 9/18/14 at Beer Thirty in Soquel, where we will be pursuing the threesome of Bacon Queef, Fap Jack, and Pink Cherry Licker.  God help us!  Bring a headlamp or flashlight.  It’s getting dark earlier halfminds!

On On,

Shallow Hole

 

 

Sloshball 9/6/14: The Tradition Lives On! Over the Hill Drunks Beat Team Simon G String (Again!)

photo 4Those of you who did not make the trek over the hill missed out on a great day!  Here’s a recap of what went down!

It was a lovely afternoon in Sunnyvale.  The kegs were tapped and hashers were socializing in a shady corner of the picnic area.  There was a group of people setting up pink tablecloths and decorations next to us.  Oh crap!  We were sharing the picnic area with 100 people having a christening party!  Apparently they shelled out the bucks to reserve the area.  Suckin’ Up Spouse later confessed that the hash did not reserve a picnic area.

I already fulfilled my exercise quota for the day, so I did not do trail.  Waxi Pad and I were much happier sitting in the shade drinking beer.  Thmp-Thmp was my eye witness reporter and gave me the low down.  Suckin’ Up Spouse and Butt Balls were Hares.  Butt Balls claimed he was injured, so Cums With Instructions served as stunt hare.  Trail pretty much sucked. Big surprise!  True Trail was hard to find at the first check.  The hares took the pack down some busy streets to a bar called Blue Bonnet.   It was hotter than hell in there!  Everybody was gathering around the only air conditioning vent in the bar in order to cool down. Trail bee lined it back along a culvert/water way. When the pack got to street or railroad crossings there was a fence on either side and most of them had holes for us to slip through.  At one point dBASED went through one fence then crossed 4 sets of railroad tracks and came running back saying we needed to go under the tracks via with pipe because there was no hole in the other fence.  Anyone who knows dBASED, knows to be leery when he gives you directions on trail.  Thmp-Thmp saw a huge hole in the fence and they went through the hole.  The pack had to climb the last fence.  Everybody made it over fine, but Summer’s Yeast kept saying, “I better not rip my $75 Lu Lu Lemon’s”.  What ever! She’s a new Harriette, so I will give her some advice.  NEVER wear expensive clothes to a hash!  It’s very likely that you will tear your clothes, or get dirt, mud, or blood on them.  After the fence, the pack split up, some took true trail, while others (Thmp-Thmp) said photo 1 (2)“fuck that shit” and went straight back to the park.  Religion was held in the bleachers.  Suckin’ Up Spouse was RA.  He rambled on for hours and hours while we baked in the hot sun.  There was a big spread of food ready for us when it was over.

Then it was time to play ball!  In Sloshball, you pitch to your own team.  Butt Balls did an awesome job as our pitcher.   Harriettes can choose to flash to get on first base.  The other rule is that when you get to second base, you must NOT cross the line without chugging a beer.   This rule was strictly enforced.  Team Simon G String recruited some young athletic virgins, and out of town hashers (like Cums with Instructions), to play for their team.  Since I can’t play softball, I elected to cheer and pour beer at second base with Ram Pam, GAS, and other Harriettes.  Just Robin also opted for second base.  I was warned to watch out for shady behavior.  In a past year, the ladies spiked the beers with vodka and got the opposing team wasted.  There was a pretty good view from second base.  There was cold beer and shade.  There was only one near miss when a ball came straight at us.  No one spilled their beer.

photo 2It was a close game!  The Simon G String young studs seemed to be making most of the defensive plays in left field.  It was a hard fought battle, but our team came through in the end!  We won 12 to 11.    Tits and Game won MVP!  She did a great job at first base!  Twisted Fister played short stop and caught a lot of balls flying at his face.   He also kept getting called out for clapping every time one of the male virgins showed us a little booty.  Timmy had to look away every time Pink Cherry Licker was up to bat, as he knew she wasn’t going to bat because she didn’t have a bat in her hand.  Princess Di (arrhea) was catcher, but then realized it was more fun on second base.  Summer’s Yeast tried to bat once, but then came to the conclusion that she was better off flashing.  She did have some issues with the second base rule.  I almost had to tackle her at the end because she was close to crossing the line.  It was a pretty fair game.  There was only one argument with the umpires about a call.  I was drinking and didn’t know what it was about.  Thmp-Thmp played one inning and relied heavily on his shit talking skills to help our team win.  Paki Sack got least valuable player.  Stick to cricket dude!

photo 1photo 2After the game, there was a trophy presentation.  Suckin’ Up Spouse announced that since they did not spend money to rent the picnic area, they had $300 bucks to spend at the bar!  I’m sure those who stayed the night had a great time!

 

 

photo 3Big thanks are due to:

Our GM’s and most excellent organizers – Princess Di (arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp

Twisted Fister – Team Captain for Over the Hill Drunks

 

Butt Balls – Organizer, team co-captain, equipment lugger

Lil Anal Annie – Hash Hash (food)

Suckin’ Up Spouse – Organizer, hare and RA

Cums With Instructions – Stunt hare

 

Nothing Interesting – Beermeister

Morning Missile- Organizer and BREWMASTER (He made all the beer!), but he was traveling and not present at the event

DuHHH – Hash cash

…and thanks to all of the Simon G-Strings for being such gracious hosts and losers.

It was a great group effort on everybody’s part.  I’m looking forward to next year!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Hash 761: Pirates rules, Hares drool

Our Hash scribet’s seem to all be burned out on scribing, so despite not deciding to be the scribe until numerous days after the fact, I will dive on it this week. I suggest that others offer in future weeks. I will help you get your work published. In years before the internet, I once saw a writeup done as a hand drawn map with stick figures I think. I once did a writeup when I was around 3,000 miles away when the hash happened. About every third sentence in that write-up was “Fuck you doggy style!”, and I was not even mad, just trying to be funny. Some people got it, some people thought it was pornography. Some people thought it both.

This weeks meetup started at Brady’s Yacht club and pirate’s ruled the roost. I got questions about whether this was some sort of annual pirate day and had to explain we only dress up like pirates periodically, but drink somewhere every Thursday.

On this day we had 3 hares and I’ve always believed as the number of hares grows beyond 2, the chances for fucking up grows exponentially. While I didn’t personally experience an egregious fuck ups on this trail, it’s probably because I ended up running inside or outside the true trail most of way. However, comment from the pack and even the hares, suggest it was impossible to run true trail without running through a false.

Trail started innocently enough towards Seabright beach. I figured a tour of the yacht harbor was in order, so as the pack headed down Cypress Ave, I paralleled on Seabright Ave, anticipating a left turn towards the yacht harbor. When I reached East Cliff and no trail appeared, I figured I would loop around and somehow connect back with the pack. It appears true trail crossed Murray at Mott, however I took Murray towards the boardwalk anticipating a river crossing there.

When I found no trail at the railroad trestle, it was time for a gentle loop back. So, first I headed up Buena Vista, hoping to possibly catch trail going into the backside of OceanView park, or possibly at 5 corners. I eventually found trail on Price St, and the pack trying to solve a check at Windsor and Seabright.

Trail at this point headed down Windsor, but I figured there was a 50/50 chance it would come back to Seabright, or least go to top of Yacht Harbor at Arana Gulch. So, I proceeded up Seabright, with a right on Soquel, then a right on Mentel into Arana Gulch. I encountered the pack again at the top of the Yacht Harbor.

Now, the only way for the pack to get where I saw them then and when I saw then last was to go through Frederick Street park. And, indeed that is how they went. However, apparently the only way to find trail leaving Frederick Street park was to run through a false, which someone how the pack figured out. The pack I encountered found trail going left out of Frederick Street park. DFL’s later turned right, went through a false, also found trail. Somehow, it was later determined these DFL’s were the only hounds to follow the entire true trail.

As I encountered the pack, they were exiting the Yacht Harbor on Brommer. Taking Brommer had only one logical consequence to me – an eventual Yacht Harbor crossing On Murray. So, I am abandoned the pack for third time, and made my first good decision. I headed down the far side of the Yacht harbor and encountered a check just below the railroad tracks. Naturally, trail proceeded across the Yacht harbor on the railroad tracks.

At this point I was by myself. No sign of any Hasher anywhere in the vicinity. I figured I was WAY in front of the FRB’s. I encountered Liquor Check across the bridge and in the bushes and brought it out to easily found by the pack. Ew was that Liquor Check some nasty moonshine! I had one taste and spit out.

I then continued on down the railroad tracks, but soon discovered that trail did not. I doubled back and found a pack arrow across the street from where the Liquor Check was. So, there were some FRB’s in front of me!

At this point, it was basically a jaunt down the Yacht harbor and to Seabright beach. Apparently, Pink Cherry Licker and Electric Labia Land were on the cliffs above launching water balloons at the pack. Perhaps because I was a lone Hasher at this point, none were sent in my direction that I could decipher. It was a right turn on to the soft sand and another Liquor Check before the beer check. Apparently the Liquor Check was somehow initially buried in the sand, but the FRB’s unburied it by the time I got there.

It was a long wait at the beer check for pack to finally arrive and I went to back to Brady’s to get warm clothes and by the time I returned the pack was beginning to migrate to religion.

Religious Adviser for the night was Dung Fu grip with a beer fairy that I cannot recall. We had down downs for our scribes who are failing to their duty of recent, for the three Hashers (Occasional Rapist, Just Paul and Shameless Butt Plug) who were reported the only 3 Hashers to do the trail completely and correctly and a ceremony around the return of Can’d Hashit that Dog Breath had stolen which required intimate body parts from all 4 Can’d Hashers in attendance. Then, 2 Black and White units showed up and it was time to get out of dodge.

I headed home at this point, but evidence from the Hash Flash indicates that a second naming opportunity for Just Lori resulted in Summer’s Yeast and that Just Heather become Ho to Housewife. I’ll note that Summer’s Yeast name somehow reminds me of Winters Bone. No, it’s not a porno. Look it up. It was nominated for 4 academy awards and had Jennifer Lawrence in it.

Hash 760: Courtesy Flush Names Himself

Hash 760 of the mighty Surf City Hash House Harriers will be remembered not for the fine trail from the hares Occasional Rapist and Twister Fister, nor the soul-cleansing rousing religion conducted by a voiceless Dung Fu rip, but for the second easiest naming in Surf City H3’s illustrious history of the newly self-named Courtesy Flush.  Not since the infamous 2005 Stupid Pussy naming has a hasher named himself in a moment of pure Half Mind Stupidity in front of the pack.  

“So there I was, taking a dump.  When a homeless man in the next stall screamed out, ‘For the love of God man, how about a Courtesy Flush.’”

Hash consent was duly given by all and there was great mocking, er I mean rejoicing.  Trust me, I saw it.

And thus was named Courtesy Flush.

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Hobo (didn’t-go) back to school Hash Trash #759

We started at El Jardin, a great mexican hangout off Capitola road and 7th ave. Trifecta hares Twisted Fister, Diddler on the Roofie, and Fucked-Over-Fest tortured us on this night. Trail was~ 3.67 miles from start to beer check for me. We ran around neighborhoods that had some type of school. Up La Fonda, this is where old ‘alternative’ school “Loma Prieta” used to reside, and where the Liquor Check was-in the woods( big bottle of JD) and this is where a few of my drop-out stoner friends finished their HS diploma, accross the street from Harbor High School, which happend to be my high school-Go Pirates!, I graduated there in 1984! This year is my.. gulp, 30th reunion! LOL. Anyhow, there was a long-ass back check over the newly completed La Fonda Ave. bridge over Hwy 1, real trail went through the back of Harbor High up the little alley way to Soquel, through what we know now as Hobo Hotel land. Then off over towards Green Acres Elementry, Live Oak School est. 1872! Beer Check was at Fucked-Over-Fest’s Grandma’s house. How cool is that? The family stayed in though. Long ass BC. We ended up at Diddler’s house for Religion which was ~ 1 mile away from BC. Just Heather was beer fairy, Accuprick RA. Noted task of the evening was to rename Just Jeremiah, and we did it well, his new name, drum roll…..”Just Pussy Foot!” He likes his Ugg boots like his women. Ok and the hares……thanks for bringing back school memories!

See you cats tonight at Brady’s Yacht Club, dress up as Pirates and or Wenches bitches!………..Occasional Rapist!