Here is the sad tale of a disastrous trail set by Princess Di (arrhea) and Thmp-Thmp.

Once upon a time, there once was a couple of hashers known as the Princess and the Squirrel.  They were in the mood for Mexican, so they summoned the pack to Little Tampico Tequila Bar in Soquel Village.   They promised the pack beer, tequila and warned of a new trail marking called “shut the fuck up”, where we would have to be very quiet while passing through a certain area.  Then they scurried off with small bottles of flour and chalk.  Aside from the regular drinkers,  Lube me up Scotty showed up (since his wife is still in China).   We had visitors all the way from Portland Maine, Sir Ménage A Lot, Cuma Cuma Cumanda, and former Surf City kennelmate Camel Stamp.  They brought Virgin Sarah with them from Mountain View.   Maine is a beautiful state, but with only 2 months of warm weather per year, I can imagine hashing there isn’t for the faint of heart.   Surf City pussies would not survive hashing through snow and ice.  It would be pretty cool to see a moose on trail!   Not so cool to step in moose poop.  Speaking of the great white north, Canadian Penny Slut finally resurfaced!   The last time she was seen was 6 months ago, after her first haring venture with yours truly.   I heard rumors that either I scared her away from the hash, or she was abducted by aliens somewhere near area 51 in Nevada.   She returned unscathed, but doesn’t remember a thing from the past 6 months.

Temporary GM, dBASED did introductions and awarded the Hash Shit Vest to Camel Stamp.  Some hashers feared the worst, skipped trail and went directly to the beer check.  We ran through the woods, through neighborhoods, car dealership parking lots, along 41^st ave, to Wharf Road, and past the creepy Rispin Mansion.  A bottle of tequila was hidden on a trail near there.  After a few shots, we proceeded through Perry park, through a senior apartment complex (with flour markings so small you needed a magnifying glass to see them), then on Bay Ave and left on Capitola Ave.

The rest of the trail was a nightmare.   There was a confusing back check, a circle jerk and some nosy neighbors.  One guy kept coming out of his house trying to figure out what the hell was going on.  Can’t blame him for being suspicious.  We must’ve passed his house at least 10 times and we didn’t look like regular runners.   dBASED was wearing a straw sombrero hat, Puff the Magic Drag Queen was sporting his usual stylish OP corduroy shorts and knee high socks.  Occasional Rapist had a pink cowboy getup on.   It was getting dark, we were lost and kept going around in circles.  Some hashers gave up and headed back to the bar to look for beer check.   Puff turned out to be the hero of the night!   He was the ONLY one who found the VERY SMALL chalk mark  “STFU” with a hare arrow pointing towards someone’s driveway.  It went through a fence down a steep trail that lead to Main Street in front of Little Tampico. 

Beer Check was in the little park next to the bar.  According to the hares, the trail was 3.5 miles.  dBASED and Camel Stamp measured the trail to be somewhere around 5.7 miles.  Broke Bench Mountain showed up at the end.  He was driving down the road and saw Camel Stamp with the Hash Shit Vest on, picked up Hugh Heifer and drove to beer check.

Religion was held in the parking lot of an office complex across Porter St.  dBASED was the RA and Beer Fairy.  Puff the Magic Drag Queen received a congratulatory down down for being the hero and leading the cold and thirsty pack to beer check.   Twat did you Say? was ridiculed for having a “food injury”.   Something about an Irritable Bowel Syndrome flare up after eating in a restaurant and drinking 4 glasses of wine.   Hugh Heifer drank for her cute little mini sombrero hat and for breaking a bottle of beer in the parking lot (it was just Corona, though).  Backsliders, Camel Stamp and Canadian Penny Slut received down downs.   Visitors, Sir Ménage A Lot, Cuma Cuma Cumanda, and Camel Stamp were welcomed with a down down.  The pack had high hopes, butVirgin Sarah only told a dumb joke.  Sir Ménage A Lot drank with her.  The folks from Maine then serenaded her with a traditional song about deflowering a virgin.  Deep Stroke drank for trying to stage a coup.  This seems to be a trend with her.  Broke Bench Mountain was punished for auto-hashing And Last but not least, The Hares! 

This Thursday’s hash will start at Aloha Island Grille, 1700 Portola Drive, at the intersection of Portola, 17th Avenue and East Cliff.  See Y’All there!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Always a crappy smoke filled ambiance, the Jury Room was the start for this week’s hash.   Our Hare, Banana Basher must have missed Psycho Baby and his creepy friends.  Dog Breath resurfaced from foreign lands.  Butt Balls, Little Anal Annie and their dog Farley ventured out for the evening.  Just Petra showed up for her 5^th Surf City Hash.  Slonad found himself free on a Thursday night and decided to join us.  Infamous hasher Weiner made a rare guest appearance.   His wife was out of town, so he came out to hash.  There seems to be a trend here.  Several hashers only showed up last weekend for Wharf to Barf because their wives are out of town.  Weiner was the first Surf City hasher to reach fifty harings.  He received the honor of wearing the Hash Shit vest for the night.

The pack circled up in the rank smelling alley next to the bar.  After brief introductions, the pack was off.   There was flour in the alley, so everybody headed the same way, in the direction.  We crossed Water St, onto Market St, then to the Branciforte Creek trail.  Then back to Market St, right on Goss, right on North Branciforte Ave, and over the Highway 1 bridge.  Weiner took off running down the road in hot pursuit of trail.   We passed some folks having a moving sale and they told us to take a right at the next corner.  Deep Stroke, Slonad and I were on a side street and someone said, “that’s some pretty old looking flour”.  We were all thinking the same thing.  Yes, PRELAY!  This trail was way too long for a guy who’s main exercise is bicep curls with a beer mug.  We followed trail back out to North Branciforte Ave, and left on Water St.  We made a right down a side street, wandered around a bit and found ourselves on Soquel Ave.  We were getting pretty thirsty.   As we passed the Double O, Weiner went in the bar hoping it was a beer check, but no luck.  We proceeded down Soquel until we spotted the elusive “Beer Near” in front of Branciforte Plaza, in the parking lot behind Ristorante Italiano.  The same spot the beer check was last Sunday.  How creative!

Religion was in a parking lot behind the Jury room.  Butt Balls served as RA and he appointed yours truly, Shallow Hole his beer fairy.  Hugh Heifer got a down down for not bringing a trash bag.  She also didn’t bring the nasty warm beer for down downs so hashers got treated to decent beer this week.  Broke Bench Mountain received a down down for wearing flip flops and for losing a toe nail during the Wharf to Wharf race.  I guess that makes him a real racist now.  Twat did you say?  and Princess Di(arrhea) told the tail of getting attacked by yellow jackets at Wharf to Barf.  Dog Breath was punished for losing his hash necklace on trail.  Someone found it and returned it to him.  Wine-O Little Anal Annie showed up with her cooler, wine and her own snacks.  She was punished for wearing a racist sweatshirt.  Butt Balls also announced that 7/27 was her “22^nd” birthday.  The pack serenaded her with a rollicking version of Happy Birthday Fuck You!  Weiner was punished for being a backslider.  Puff the Magic Drag Queen got a down down for 570 consecutive hashes.  Get a life!  Slonad was also punished as a backslider and made fun of for his orange jacket.  Rebel Deep Stroke committed the cardinal sin of challenging the RA.  Rather than effecting change, she was awarded a punitive down-down.  Little Anal Annie was congratulated on her 225^th Surf City Hash!  Just Petra was finally named!  She’s a veterinarian and likes seals and cats, so mob rule decided on Wet Feral Pussy.  Nipple Butt welcomed her to the hash with wet dog kisses.  And last but not least, The Hare, Mr “I don’t break a sweat”, Banana Basher!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Psycho Baby was the guest of honor at the 22^nd Anal Wharf to Barf, courtesy of Thmp-Thmp and Princess Di(arrhea).  AKA the Princess and the Squirrel.  They stumbled their drunk asses into the Jury Room after the pub crawl Friday night and somehow persuaded the folks at the Jury room to “lend” us the baby aka “Jugular Jimmy” for the weekend.  They’ve been proud parents to two cats, but this was the couple’s first real babysitting experience.

The pack convened at high noon at Delaveaga Park.  Those of us relatively newcomers to the hash were delighted to meet Bails Con Burros, the woman that has put up with Banana Basher for the past 18 years.  Broke Bench Mountain’s gal, Mass Storage Device was also there.  Dude Where’s my Trail? brought his wife Virgin Katie.  TIMMY!’s daughter Sarah showed up.  And backslider Apple Bobber also joined in the festivities.

Hasher couple dBASED and Occasional Rapist were the hare pair for the afternoon.  dBASED laid the eagle trail and Occasional Rapist laid the turkey trail.  Hashers were subjected to hilly trails with multiple hazards.  There was poison oak, yellow jackets, golf balls, and stoners throwing Frisbees.  Wildlife spotted on trail included deer, Bigfoot, and possibly a unicorn, depending on who you ask.  The pack was lucky to have made it to beer check alive.  Just as they were enjoying an ice cold beer, dBASED spotted a park ranger and yelled out “ranger danger”.  Occasional Rapist took off in a cloud of dust, claiming there was a warrant for her arrest.   The ranger threatened fines of $275 per person, but ended up letting them off.  No one knows what happened to Puff, he missed beer check.  He denied getting lost.  His excuse for being DFL was that he was old, slow and worn out.  Perhaps he mingled with the stoners, ate a few magic mushrooms and found his own trail.  Banana Basher and TIMMY! Had a feast waiting for the pack when they returned.

Banana Basher and Apple Bobber were Co-RA’s.  Last Call Norm was honored as one of the only Monterey Bay Hashers left.  In 1988 they started Wharf to Barf.  According to Norm, most of them drank too much and died off.  Next,  Thmp-Thmp and Princess Di(arrhea) brought up their “love child” Psycho Baby.  Down downs were awarded to Banana Basher’s mail order Russian bride Bails Con Burros and Lube me up Scotty since he was out partying while his wife was in China.  Horny Woman, Deep Stroke was called up for drinking out of her horn.  The band, Waxi and the Bloody Pads, were given a down down as official welcome to the hash.  Virgin Katie bored the pack with a lame joke.  Puff the Magic Drag Queen was ridiculed for being DFL.  The Watermelon competition started out with nominations TIMMY!, Deep Stroke and Puff the Magic Drag Queen.  Deep Stroke was accused of being a “racist” because she planned on running Wharf to Wharf, and replied by incriminating fellow “racists” Twat did you Say? and yours truly. The guys were off the hook.  It was between the 3 ladies.  Deliberations were made and Deep Stroke came out the winner of the Watermelon award.  

And last but not least, the Hares.  Occasional Rapist did the down downs for both of them.  dBASED was off picking up his daughter.

The rest of the afternoon we were entertained by the musical stylings of Waxi and the Bloody Pads.  They played a rockin set enjoyed by all.  It was a great day!

On On,

Shallow Hole

Rush-ing to the Inn and getting Deep-ly Stroked

The first night of Wharf to Barf weekend began at the Rush Inn.  Deep Stroke volunteered to hare a few days before, when Hugh Heifer decided to go to change her plans and run off to a hippie music festival in Oregon.  A short trail was promised by Deep Stroke and short it was.  A whopping 1.3 miles!  Our one and only visitor was Mommy’s Little Cock Whore from FHAC-U over the hill.  He was bestowed the honor of wearing the hash shit vest.  It was the second night of hashing for Lube me up Scotty.  His wife left him alone for 2 months while she went to China, so he was trying to make up for lost time.   The pack circled up behind the bar.  We went in the direction of Water Street, when we saw Last Call Norm on the corner, and she joined the pack.  Tonight’s trail went over the Water Street bridge, through San Lorenzo Park, back over the bridge on Soquel downtown, briefly on Pacific Avenue, and to beer check at Santa Cruz High School. 

How rebellious!  Brings back memories of the time I got suspended for drinking beer and smoking cigarettes on school grounds after the football game.   Or the time at band camp when I hid a bottle of Southern Comfort in my saxophone case and got the whole horn section trashed. 

The pack returned to the rush Inn for pizza and beer.  A short Religion was held around the pool table with blaring music in the background.  Hairy Potter was RA and Ralph-U-Crammed-In was beer fairy.  Pearl Necklace received the first down down for not doing trail.  Last Call Norm did some of it, but wasn’t at beer check, so she drank too.  We sang happy birthday to Puff the Magic Drag Queen since his birthday was on 7/16.  Not sure if the look of shock and horror on his face meant that he forgot his own birthday or if he wished others didn’t remember.  Visitor, Mommy’s Little Cock Whore drank next.  And last but not least, the hare!  Deep Stroke received a patch for surviving her 25^th Surf City Hash as the juke box played Let the Good Times Roll by the Cars. 

A small group went on to do a pub crawl, and others went to a beer and film event on the west side.  Waxi and I went to the pub crawl with Deep Stroke, Twat did you Say?, TIMMY!, Puff the Magic Drag Queen, Thmp-Thmp and Princess Di(arrhea), Mommy’s Little Cock Whore.  We hit the Red Room and 99 Bottles, and got home before midnight.  Gone are the days when we closed down bars, went to after hour bars and partied until the sun came up.  At least no one got arrested.

On On,

Shallow Hole