An Adventure in Hashing which collides with the annual Santa Cruz to Capitola Wharf to Wharf R*ce
Greetings! Princess Diarrhea here proclaiming tales from the trail throughout the land! Somewhat unbefitting a princess, the hashers met up in the alley this week—Moe’s Alley to be exact. The hash hasn’t been to Moe’s for quite awhile, and we still can’t figure out why they seemed happy to have us back. Apparently we left a good impression so we must be doing something horribly wrong. Thmp-Thmp and Hairy Potter were our wily hares. It was a sign of things to come when Hairy told us his wise wife Choka Cola stayed home because she’d caught a peek of the trail map and declared, “fuck THAT!”
It all started with a true trail arrow and mercifully there were more of those to come. The pack went on left out of Moe’s, quickly sniffed out trail and headed down Soquel Drive toward just past 7TH Avenue. Back check! The pack soon rallied and thrusted through Harbor High’s rear entrance. Up ahead on La Fonda, a YBF to the right and a false trail to the left soon got the pack regrouped and headed the right way down Prospect Heights. Most of the loyal hounds stuck to the trail and braved the steep downhill shiggy that Cuff My Muff rode on her bum all the way down to the bum wine check. Sly dogs like Broke Bench Mountain took the nicely paved one-way Brookwood instead (which is also one of the town’s best-kept secrets for ditching freeway traffic).
The poison selection at the booze check was Mad Dog 20/20 Banana Red or Orange Jubilee. Sounds delicious, no? AccuPrick did not partake because he’s too good for bum wine. He’s also too good for fine wine. Yes, he is THAT good. Cuff turned down the Orange Jubilee because of the hurl factor that comes from beverages that closely resemble Triaminic cough syrup. All it takes is a little Mad Dog to separate the purebreds from the mutts. The trail wound along to more fruitiness as Hugh Heifer started picking sour cherries that she discovered growing in the wild. All we needed was a platter of Velveeta and it would’ve been like hors d’oeuvre hour on skid row.
Soon we were traipsing through Oakwood Cemetery, which is all too conveniently located across the street from a hospital and a nice old folks home. dBased was shut down by a YBF after emerging from the graveyard and broke strict tradition of “a hasher never turns around”—a heinous crime surely punishable by a warm beer shower. Trail then headed through Dominican Oaks where tiny dogs yipped and seniors gawked as the hashers pounded onward and upward through the hillside shiggy. Once across a field, the only thing separating thirsty hashers from cold beer was a burly cyclone fence. Luckily there was indeed a gate that opened to glory. Beer check was in Virgin Lori’s front yard where we were joined by her family and two snuffling pugs. The beer was going down great until a certain member of the kennel befouled the yard, causing everyone to gag on their cold ones and clear out.
The great tragedy of religion behind Bobby’s Pit Stop was that somehow the bum wine had been left behind at the check so nobody could be punished to finish it. Pixelated Obscenity was penalized for backsliding. Dog Breath was awarded for his 169th analversary! Pixie’s friend Beautiful Rainbow couldn’t fathom why Dog Breath wasn’t drinking from a readily available cup and was instead guzzling from a dog bowl. Hey, at least he wasn’t drinking from a toilet bowl (this time). RA AccuPrick and the hash agreed that “Beautiful Rainbow” was an entirely unacceptable name and she was re-christened Two Dingos Fucking. Nipple Butt wagged his nub with approval. Waxi Pad, Two Dingos Fucking and Pixie then down downed for shortcutting by bee lining it back to Moe’s and getting drunker than the rest of us. Virgin Lori was welcomed to the pack. Instead of showing her lady bits as totally expected (oh yes, I know her well), she told a joke but her so-called friend Slow Nad spoiled the punch line. She still refused give up a peek of the goodies. Dog Breath took a picture of Beer Fairy Cuff marking her territory so they were both disciplined with a tag-team dog bowl down down.
Next week’s meet up is at Callahan’s. Twat Did You Say?’s hare cherry will be popped. She’s hella nervous about it, so please be gentle with her. Deep Stroke will be co-haring to help ensure her first time will be special. Aww…
Our Hares, Occasional Rapist and Cuff my Muff, chose the Mediterranean in Aptos as the start for this week’s hash. Hairy Fuck 2.5 returned, after being on the DL with a broken foot. Just Rosie showed up for her 5th hash. We had 2 visitors join us all the way from the swamps of Savannah, Georgia H3! Squat and Swallow, and Sleeping with the Enema. Theirs is another hash love story. They met online, hashed together in Savannah, and just got engaged in NYC. Squat and Swallow was sporting his Hare T-shirt from Savannah’s Americas Interhash 2011. dBASED, Occasional Rapist and I were lucky enough to have been there. After a few beers, we realized that the lovely lady in a white southern bell dress and parasol that escorted me to my car one night was Squat and Swallow! LOL.
There was some confusion at the start. The pack got split up and went in 2 different directions. And then there was dBASED. Who the hell knows where he went. There was flour at the corner of State Park Drive, so Just Rosie, Dog Breath, Hugh Heifer and Nipple Butt, Puff the Magic Drag Queen, Deep Stroke and yours truly, went in that direction. The trail went past the Snow White Drive In and turned left on Hillcrest Drive following the railroad tracks and meandered around Seacliff neighborhoods and ended up with beer check on a dead end street overlooking the ocean and the cement ship. Along with beer, there was also wine, crackers and dip. dBASED never showed up at beer check. It was a short trail. I barely broke a sweat. Just Rosie ran back to Religion on the beach because she wasn’t tired. I have to agree with her. We ARE a bunch of pussies in Surf City.
Religion was on the street in back of the Mediterranean. Occasional Rapist served up a kick ass homemade red velvet cake with strawberries. Yum! Hairy Fuck 2.5 was RA, Dog Breath was his lovely Beer Fairy. Apparently I, Shallow Hole, completed 69.69% of the hashes this year, and received a patch for completing my 50th Surf City Hash. Down downs were dished out for back sliders, Dude where’s my Trail? and Just Rosie. Visitors, Squat and Swallow and Sleeping with the Enema were called up to the altar. They thought the trail was boring. They’re used to monster shiggy in Savannah, like wading thigh high through swamps with alligators, swimming across intercostal waterways, running through picker bushes, and naked full moon hashes. Sleeping with the Enema delighted the pack by flashing her boobs. dBASED was chastised for getting lost on trail. He claimed to be trying to catch the hares. He guessed wrong! Hugh Heifer was punished for an ancient crime on trail. A long time ago, she brought NA beer for Religion. The pack sang a lovely rendition of Happy Birthday to Occasional Rapist. Just Rosie was up for naming. A lot of dirt was dished out, and she was more than happy to keep incriminating herself. After a bit of deliberation, Just Rosie will be forever known as Cum Rash!
And last but not least, the hares……………
Ciao Hashers! Waxi and I had a great in time vacationing in Italy, but we’re happy to be back home in Santa Cruz. We drank wine every day for 3 weeks, so I was happy to find out this week, our Hare TIMMY!, was summoning the pack to Santa Cruz Mountain Brewery for some locally brewed organic beer! It was a lovely night for a hash. Most of the pack was too busy socializing to realize that the hare had left. We know by now that his directions would’ve been useless. Better not to pay attention. There was a check by the railroad tracks on Swift St. We knew we were doomed. Instead of the flat and easy ocean side, we were headed towards the hills. The trail went across Highway 1 into Wilder Ranch on the Moore Creek Trail. We climbed a big hill, but were treated to a lovely ocean view from up there. The trail continued and went to the right. There was some poison oak and a fence to climb through. Wildlife was spotted on trail. There were sightings of deer, coyote, bobcat, Dog Breath, and maybe a unicorn, depending on who you ask. Luckily, no hashers were harmed. We ended up on Meder St, walked past a Jewish Cemetery, and then went through a park, to Noble Dr. Right about now, we were all really thirsty and hoping beer check was somewhere soon. After walking down a steep hill on Miramar, we saw the glorious beer near mark heading straight to TIMMY’s house. We were served beer, ribs and martinis. Yum! I feel sorry for the hashers that didn’t do trail and missed beer check.
Religion was near the start next to the railroad tracks. Accuprick was RA. He appointed Great Barrier Queef as his Beer Fairy. The first down downs were awarded to hashers that did not do trail. Pussy Galore, Great Barrier Queef, My Little Bony, and Twat did you Say? Banana Basher took off and did not receive his down down. Twat did you Say? was all decked out in a sexy red dress. She denied rumors of being a porn star and said she came from the graduation ceremony at the school she teaches at. Vegetarians, Hugh Heifer and Puff the Magic Drag Queen were called up for not eating the ribs. Luckily martinis are vegan! They told an interesting story of how Hugh got too drunk at last week’s hash and had to crash at Puff’s house. She slept in his bed and then stole his chair to take to the Full Moon Hash Campout last weekend. Nice! After some negotiation, the chair was returned in one piece. Brokebench Mountain was punished for acting up on trail. dBASED was ridiculed for writing the times he arrived at every check. Evidently a Long Beach Hash tradition that no one else heard about until now. And last but not least, the Hare, TIMMY!
Don’t forget Wharf to Barf weekend is July 20-22. Details to follow……….
P.S. Congratulations to Occasional Rapist and dBASED on their engagement! Some people find poison oak on trail, some hashers are lucky enough to find love. May your beer mugs be overfilled with happiness and your trail through life be shiggy free!
What to say about this hash. For last minute planning Coka Cola and Hairy Potter steered us on an interesting trail. Start was at a great watering hole in Seabright, you know the one. We then we’re twarted down Seabright to Cayuga. The one highlight on Cayuga was when we ran past the cool corner where “Mom’s Corner” is at lower Cayuga near the 5 corner’s, a nice bench and water fountain to hang out at, even for the pooches. as we neared the Ocean View park the pack assumed we’d be greeted with a BC, but instead a bum wine check on a side trail. Wine was sweet and tasty for being cheap ass. Now this duo has some nice friends, especially for letting them bring us in for a beer check in their backyards. Always great houses too. This one even had a swanky guest cottage (where I’m certain a few of us left something in the toilet). Condoms could have come in handy for a few as there also was a cozy bed in there! No hens yet but a cute hen house there also.
Choka out did herself by making us guacamole! I think we devoured it in like 5 minutes or less! She forgot to take out the pitt though:0. Just Kidding, PLENTY of beer at the beer check, kudo’s to the hares on that one! Then a fast walk back to Casa de Puff for Religion. Where Puff offered to be RA, he elected dBASED for his beer mistress fairy. First down down was for all the hasher’s whom we’re not wearing any hash attire, of some sort. Wicked, Deep Stroke, choka, Little bony and Twat did you say, Cuff my muff (although she sat that one out). Thmp Thmp is good at bringing in the virgins, Sharon and Leroy, this couple travel around the states playing disc golf. So not likely we’ll be seeing them on regular bases, but they seemed to enjoy their time with us and promised to look up kennels in their future travels. Leroy told some stupid Disneyland joke, and Sharon a Bill Gates “window” joke-lame, they’d be going home back to Ohio. Pussy Galore showed up with the keg she picked up for her camp out, auto hasher! Sunday semen got down down for major backsliding. Choka Cola got her 125th anal versary hash patch! We all sang Sit Tanya song to Little boney for losing yet another potential girlfriend to “moving”, um ya sure that’s always what they “tell him”. Ralphi you crammed in called dBASED on trail to tell him where to short cut trail? How did he even have his number? And why did he think dBASED needed to know how to shortcut trail he does this all the time anyhow. Maybe they got something going on we should know about? So his father -in -law TIMMY! got his down down. Lastly, Deep Stroke myself and Twat got down downs cause we work out with CC workout aka Deep stroke! Ok and Hash full moon campout was great fun!
On, On ON,
Occasional Rapist on out